Misperception

You asked me yesterday, what would make me happiest in life. My first thought was "Being with you". It was stupid and sappy and overly-romantic for your taste, but it was my first thought. Instead of saying this, I just shrugged and told you that I didn't know yet, made up some excuse about traveling. We talked again about how you're supposedly unable to love anyone, but that you "can be" attracted to people. "You know I can be attracted to people, right?" Sure. Just not me. Not that it would matter since you have no inclination to act on that attraction, apparently. But still, every time it comes up it's just another smack to my face about how I'm not good enough for you. Maybe no one is. Or maybe you subconsciously think you're not good enough for anyone. You once told me that you don't truly believe anyone could love you; you meant it in a general sense, but I'm sure it could be added on to romance, too. Though if I told you this, you'd probably disagree. And I'm probably

I feel like I’m dying inside. I’m trying so hard to keep myself afloat, to convince myself that I shouldn’t long for something that was never fully there. I know it was just an illusion, and that your arms around me was affection in only a friendship-level. But I can’t help but feel cheated, betrayed. I can’t help but to resent you. It feels like you gave me something so precious, mulled me into allowing myself to enjoy it, and then yanked it away. And it hurts so much, so much more than you’ll ever be able to understand. I don’t think I can take this pain anymore. I tried, I really did. I’ve tried for months. And maybe things have gotten better, or maybe I’ve just gotten used to it. But I really can’t do it anymore. I’m sorry. I’m sorry to all my family who will be hurt by this decision. But this is my decision. It’s my life. And I have the right to take it if I want to. Try to live as well and happily as you can, even though you won't see this--I was a difficult family member for

You’re so cruel. How could you do this to me? Why would you? I was fine before. I was fine before you showed me what affection feels like and how much I’ve been missing it, and then ripped it away. I was fine before I knew how amazing it felt to be wrapped in your strong arms. I was fucking happy, focusing on myself and my future, with hardly a thought to sex and definitely none of romance. And I know, I know you didn’t do it on purpose but that doesn’t make it hurt any fucking less. Sometimes I can’t help feeling like I was played with, like you just wanted to see if you could get the cold, closed person to open up and show affection. To be vulnerable. So I was. I was more vulnerable with you than I have ever been with anyone in my entire life. I told you everything and you always looked right through me even when I tried to hide things from you. But I guess you didn’t like what you saw. And can I blame you for that? I want to. I want to because you’re the one that dragged the